Secret Service Swoop in Tiananmen Square Shocker!

We headed out towards the Forbidden City and Tiananmen Square in the perennial smog (we haven’t seen blue sky or sun for six days now!) It was a little bit tricky getting out of the taxi as it was busy and the driver had stopped on the other side of the road, which meant Harry had to get out first. Then a car behind started blaring it’s horn. As a result, it wasn't until we had all reached the pavement until Marcelle said, “Camera! Not here! In the taxi!” Even though a few kilos overweight, I was out of the stocks like a Walthamstow Greyhound, and down the street leaving a trail of fire behind me. Immediately fifty CCTV cameras were tracking me and several alarms must have been going off in Tiananmen Square Nerve Centre.

“TAXI! STOP! AAARRRGGGHHH!” I ranted as my little legs pumped beneath me like tiny pistons, weaving in between revolutionary guards. I wondered if this was a wise course of action in one of the highest surveillance zones in the world, and whether I would start to see small red lights cover my chest. The taxi slowed down to take a corner and was about thirty metres away from me as I took the same corner like Seb Coe chasing a medal. The cab was even further away now, and I could imagine all the photos and that lovely SLR disappearing forever. Just then a brand new black Audi pulled up beside me and a young Chinese guy in designer glasses said “Get in.” I did so, without a question.

Feeling like Jack Bauer, I pointed and gasped, “Taxi. Blue. Camera.” and off he peeled. I suddenly realised that this guy was probably secret service and had been sent to see what the Alan Carr lookalike lunatic was doing running through his patch. Ten seconds later we saw the taxi doing a three point turn and screeched to a halt in front of him. I staggered out of the black spook car and pointed to the camera in the back seat. The taxi driver looked worriedly at Audi Man and said something in his own defence. I patted the taxi driver on the shoulder and gave a secret service style thumbs up to Audi Man who nodded nonchalantly and did a big U-turn back to HQ.

After that, the Forbidden City seemed a bit of an anticlimax, as I kept checking over my shoulder for men in suits talking into their sleeves...